After 6 years

Marriage is like fine wine, as it ages it gets better.

Yesterday marks our 6 years together as husband and wife. I cannot believe how time flies so fast, it doesn't feel like a long time ago when I was busy sending out invitation cards with my dad around KL, and busy with the fitting sessions for the wedding dresses, and getting things ready for the big day. I am so glad it's all over. I was so worried about how the day would turn out to be.. we kept on praying that it'll be a sunny day and not a wet rainy day. Alhamdulillah it was indeed a sunny day!

I remember when during our first few days of marriage, my husband's uncle (Ayah Jitt) and aunty (Mak Lah) came over to mama's house (mother-in-law)... my husband and Ayah Jitt had like a secret code, where they'd say "2 years..." I kept wondering what the 2 years meant.. could it be, after 2 years, he'd get bored of me? After 2 years, things are going to change..? My husband, being the "typical" him refused to tell me what was meant by the "2 years" that was said quite a few times during their visit. Finally he told me, mainly to calm me down because I told him, I had a bad feeling about it. He told that Ayah Jitt told him, in a marriage, usually it takes about 2 years to really understand each other, so if anything happens like quarrels over small things are just normal! So there's really nothing to worry about. Indeed it was true. As the days go by, we understood each other better and better. Again, syukur Alhamdulillah for all that.

We really believe that what's important in a marriage is what really happens behind closed doors. What's being portrayed to the public may not be the real thing. I'm not saying that people who show their happiness are faking it... that is not what I meant. But what I mean is, some people "pretend" to be this perfect couple (no quarrels and bla bla bla)... but in reality, they are not like that, and the next thing you hear is that they are divorced! This mostly happens among the celebs, of course! You can drool looking at how perfect their wedding are, and after a few years, it's all gone. I once heard in audio book, by Jack Canfield if I'm not mistaken:

"People plan for their wedding day, but not their marriage."

That made me think.. it is true. Couples nowadays plan for the best wedding gowns, the best caterers, the best hotels, the best flowers and so on... but have they planned for what's going to happen after their wedding day is over? I certainly didn't think or plan about it.. haha. I did get married at an early age, so I'm not going to be so hard on myself for that fact! Hehe. Anyway, what helped me get through in trying to understand my new roommate? Firstly, he's a very kind enough to tolerate my "tahpapeness"so that factor helped a lot. Besides that, we read a lot of books... my husband had always been a bookworm, so I supposed he really knew his around it.. but I read quite a few books in trying to understand "men" in general. My favourite is of course "Why men lie, why women cry" by Alan and Barbara Pease. I loved that book.. and another one is Idiot's guide to marriage.. we got this as a wedding gift from Mak's friend. What a thoughtful gift! It did come in handy.

Ok.. the summary of what I had learnt from the books I read:

1. Men have to be told what you want them to do. As a woman, I'd always expect my man to do what I want him to do without telling him! I am very sure it sounds very familiar to girls out there, right? When I watched the movie "The Breakup"... it was like deja vu during the part where Brook (Jennifer Aniston) wanted Vince Vaughn to want to wash the dishes instead of doing the dishes after being told to do so!!! Well, they certainly cannot read our mind. But if you ask for help, they will do it for you, it's just that they don't know "how" to help. This is not being a controlling freak ok... some people may get it wrong. You know how people find it wrong when a wife asks a man to help around the house. It may not work in the olden days, but it works in the present days. Especially when wives are working or studying, so help around the house is needed.

2. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Let's face it, everyone have their bad days. So when one over reacts, just give him/her the benefit of the doubt. I'm a very sensitive person, so most of the time, I get upset over silly statements.... but after years, I totally get this whole thing. Most people don't mean what they say when they are tired, depressed, angry or in a bad mood.

Erm... what else.. I had a few in mind, but I cannot recall. But these are the two important ones I think. Oh yeah.. another one that my mom always ingatkan. What does LOVE stand for?

L - Listen

O - Overlook one's flaws/mistakes

V - Voice out how you feel

E - Effort

I always remind myself of the E (effort) part. A great marriage takes effort and things don't come easy. I used to think that it will just happen.. oh boy, was I wrong! For example, after a while, you can loose the sparks in a marriage, so you have to keep it going. Keep the love letters, or emails going. SMS each other nice messages, because if you stop all this, you will end up in a boring relationship.

Ok, I guess this is all for now. Before I end my entry, I want to make it clear that I am still learning the whole relationship/marriage thing. I am not saying that we have a perfect marriage, we are still learning just like any of us out there. May we last forever dunia and akhirat.